Broken
by Annarita
Summary: "I want us to acknowledge why we are here as colleagues and not as husband and wife." Her words played incessantly in his mind like a broken record – mocking him in a way.


**Broken**

* * *

With a heavy sigh, Harmon Rabb, Jr. unlocked the front door to his townhouse and dropped his sea bag by the door. He was completely exhausted – this most recent deployment on the USS Allegiance really took a lot out of him, and he couldn't wait to sleep in his own bed.

As he made his way to the bathroom, he began to think about the last few weeks and how chaotic everything had been. Hetty's job offer gave him a lot to think about, and that had been weighing on his mind, but something else, or rather someone else, was consuming even more of his thoughts. It shouldn't come as a surprise that the someone in question was none other than Sarah MacKenzie. He wouldn't lie – he thought of Sarah MacKenzie in some way every single day, but after he saw her in Saudi Arabia nine days ago, he could only seem to think about _her_ and nothing else.

"_I want us to acknowledge why we are here as colleagues and not has husband and wife."_

Her words played incessantly in his mind like a broken record – mocking him in a way.

How did we get to this point? He wondered as he spit out his toothpaste and scrubbed a hand over his face. He stared in the mirror for a long moment as if he was expecting a response from his reflection. He scoffed and shook his head.

"I'm losing it," he chuckled, dryly.

Suddenly, Mac's voice filled his headspace again as he stripped down to his boxers and placed his uniform over the hamper to be dealt with in the morning.

"_We're way past letting fate decide." _

Fate.

What was fate anymore? Did fate bring them together or did fate keep them apart? Fate was stupid, he finally decided as he shut off the bathroom light and walked over to his bed in the dark. Maybe fate wasn't even real. Their lives were a result of actions, consequences, and decisions. Or maybe they were only half right all those years ago. Fate _had _brought them together, but fate wasn't actually strong enough to keep them together in the way he wanted.

He and Mac were not victims of circumstances or their environment. They were two highly educated adults who should have taken matters into their own hands years ago. He shook his head as he pulled back the covers and slipped into bed. He never should have suggested letting fate decide all those years ago – it was the conclusion he came to time and time again when he dissected their relationship now.

Harm settled into bed and wished that sleep would come easily to him tonight. He probably only slept for a total of two and a half hours a night – if that – since his last encounter with Mac. He had an entirely new understanding of how she must have felt during the bouts of insomnia that plagued her for most of their relationship. Luckily, his wish was granted, and he could soon feel himself drifting off to sleep. However, it was short lived, because no more than two minutes later, he felt the weight of the bed shift beside him.

"I would give you a welcome home kiss, but perhaps you would prefer a handshake instead." It was clear that she was annoyed. He imagined that if they were standing up, her arms would be crossed and he would be on the receiving end of one very icy stare and her eyebrow would be raised.

His eyes flew open, and he couldn't help the signature flyboy grin that spread across his face. "Hi, Mac." He rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow to study her, almost mirroring the way she was propped on her elbow studying him.

"XO." Her voice may have been cold, but even in the dark her eyes could not hide the warmth her soul felt for the man beside her. She was so glad that he was finally home – and that he was safe.

"You're mad at me," he felt the need to state the obvious.

She shrugged, "Maybe just a little." She was _pissed _when they saw each other in the parking garage and the man tried to give her a handshake, but she knew that was neither here nor there at the moment. She finally let a smile crack, and reached out to caress his face. It felt so good to touch him this way again. "Seriously, though, welcome home, Harm," she said softly. "I know I just saw you a little over a week ago, but that doesn't really count. We weren't really us then, you know? It feels like I haven't seen the real you in forever. I know why Hetty said we had to distance ourselves and act like we haven't seen each other. It was the only way to keep your ship safe during the brink of a potential war, but it was so hard."

He entwined his fingers with hers, and moved her arm slightly so he could press a kiss to her wrist. "That feeling is mutual. I didn't know what to do when I saw you in the parking garage," he confessed. "A handshake was the safest option I could think of in the moment when all I really wanted to do was sneak you into to my hotel room and spend the remaining time we had there in bed with you."

Her smile grew even more. "I think I've withheld your welcome home kiss long enough."

"I think so, too," he agreed with a smirk. "Come here, Marine, and give it your best," he said as he pulled her on top of him.

She let out a sequel of laughter with the sudden movement. "It would be an honor _and _a privilege, XO," she said before leaning down to kiss him with everything she had in her.

"We have a lot to talk about, Mac," he said, seriously, when they finally parted.

She nodded – thinking back to how distant they were with each other in Saudi Arabia and all the "between the lines" conversations they had with each other. "I know," she said in a voice barely just above a whisper, her forehead still resting gently against his. "But can't that wait until tomorrow?" She studied his eyes intently as she spoke. Tonight, she just wanted them to be together without any complications; for once she just wanted their lives to be simple.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I haven't been sleeping well lately," he confessed, "and I want to have a clear head when we talk."

"I'm sorry," she said referring both to his inability to get a good night's rest and what she had said when she last saw him knowing it must have troubled him. "I shouldn't have -"

"Mac," his voice was stern, but not angry. "Tomorrow," he reminded her; it was her suggestion after all. He briefly thought back to their attempt to table their conversation about their relationship in Paraguay, and then it all fell apart because they didn't actually wait to have their conversation until they returned home. This time the conversation would wait until morning – he would make sure of it.

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry," she apologized again as she rolled away from him. "Sleep well, Harm. We'll talk in the morning."

Only a beat had passed before Harm was leaning over her placing featherlight kisses on the crook of her neck. "Maaaaccc..." he said in a sing-song voice, his breath tickling her skin.

She rolled over to face him again and their eyes instantly met.

"Tomorrow we can talk, but tonight... tonight, I just want to remind how much I love you and show you how much I missed you. Aren't actions supposed to speak louder than words, after all?" Words always failed him when it came to Mac, but he hoped his actions never would. He would do absolutely _anything_ for her. But then he thought about how he had to get back into the fight, as she put it, and took the billet on the Allegiance. He wasn't proud of that action. That had to feel like a betrayal to her.

"You aren't too tired?" she questioned, a sly smile. "You just said you haven't been sleeping well."

He shook his head, "My brain may be a bit to foggy to have an intelligent conversation with you about our future at the moment, but the rest of me works just fine, thank you very much." It had been over six months since he left for his deployment and the last time he made love to his fiancée; he may have been sleep deprived, but he couldn't imagine going another minute without making love to her.

"Well, in that case..." She pushed him further against the mattress as she climbed over him. "Welcome home, sailor. You're in for a treat."

"Actually, Mac," he began as he flipped them over so she was against the mattress. "If I recall correctly, it's my turn to be on top."

She grinned, and he could have sworn he heard her giggle. "I didn't forget. It's all I've been thinking about for six months." She locked eyes with his, and they shared that look that was so uniquely them – the look that made them feel like they were the only two people in the world.

He leaned down to kiss her again, and he knew that he was home when her lips touched his.

The next morning, Sarah MacKenzie was pleased to realize that she slept in slightly longer than she normally would. She knew without a doubt it had to do with Harm. She found that he always made her feel safe and comforted in the best possible way. Sure, a part of her always figured that would be the case even when they were just partners and friends, but being with him completely in every sense when they got engaged fourteen years ago confirmed that. He was her soulmate.

He was her soulmate, and yet, they never managed to make it to the alter – even after all these years. She blinked back a tear or two as she smoothed down his cowlick and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. "I love you so much," she whispered before she slipped out of bed and ventured to the kitchen.

As Mac began to prepare the coffee pot, she thought back on the last fourteen years. They had only been together for a little over a year when their chance of having biological child went from four percent to a complete zero percent. The discovery of an ovarian tumor while at the fertility clinic led to further testing which confirmed that it was cancerous. Everything happened so fast after that, and she was scheduled for a complete hysterectomy the next week. They both knew that, all things considered, she had been incredibly lucky. Ovarian cancer was known as the silent killer for a reason, and all the in-depth testing at the fertility clinic caught it incredibly early and possibly even saved her life.

* * *

_When she woke up from the surgery, she wasn't surprised that Harm had taken vigil at her bedside. _

"_You don't have to stay," she choked out, her voice hoarse. _

_He reached for the ice chips from the table and brushed her bangs to the side before feeding her an ice chip. "Of course, I stayed, Mac," he seemed surprised at her words. "How could I be anywhere else right now?"_

_She mustered up the strength to shake her head. "No, I mean you don't have to stay," she repeated. _

_Suddenly, the implication of her words hit him. "Sarah," he said seriously, as he moved the chair closer to her bed. "I love you."_

"_And I love you, which is why I would understand..."_

_Harm shook his head, and placed his fingers over her lips. "I love you, Mac. That's enough, always."_

_She nodded, blink away a few tears. "Okay," she said sleepily. _

"_Close your eyes and rest, Marine. I'll be right here when you wake up."_

"_Promise?" she asked – the word slipping out without much thought as she was already drifting off to sleep. _

_He flashed his flyboy grin. "Promise," he confirmed. _

_And when she woke up a few hours later, Harm had been there just like he had promised. He was always there for her, and she knew in the depth of her soul that he always would be there for her. _

* * *

There was something oddly comforting about knowing that their four percent chance of having a biological child was now zero. It took away the pressure month after month when there wasn't a positive pregnancy test, but it still did nothing to ease the guilt she felt for being unable to give Harm a child of his own.

Not long after that, America's political climate was changing – as was the world. The threat of a different type of warfare was looming, and Harm had the calling to go back to the Navy, and Mac understood. She could never fault him for that. It was what he was born to do, and she loved him enough to respect that – no matter how hard it was for her to accept.

She should have understood what the deployments would be like, she was military herself after all, but only seeing him for six months out of the year was awful. She was lonely and it gave her time to mope and dwell on all of their mistakes. Yet, somehow, instead of being honest with him about how she felt, she took the first job offer that came up and basically ran away..._again_.

There was a shift when she took that offer – they never even really talked about it, but the idea of their marriage disappeared. They were still _together_ \- they bought a townhouse together outside of DC and spent as much time together as they could when they were both in the same country, but things just weren't the same for the last nine years.

Chloe, now a very remarkable young woman, called her out on it recently. She told Mac that her generation would call their arrangement "friends with benefits" and that was a wakeup call for her. She didn't like that. It made her feel like what she had with Harm was cheap, dirty and even wrong. When in reality, their relationship was anything but wrong. It was flawed, yes, and maybe a bit broken, but it wasn't wrong. He was really the only man she truly loved.

"My god, Mac, I don't know how you are more beautiful every time I see you."

Mac smiled as she placed her iPad on the table and looked up at Harm – he was wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a white t-shirt and she swore even after all this time, her heart managed to skip a beat or two.

"You're just saying that because you've been at sea for six months..."

"No," he shook his head. "It's fact."

"You don't look so bad yourself, sailor. Life at sea does suit you."

His expression changed some, but he didn't say anything as he walked over to the refrigerator to retrieve some creamer for his coffee. It was then that he noticed the old appointment card reminder on the refrigerator. "Damn it, Mac," he said, sadly, as he joined her at the table. "I missed your appointment. I'm sorry."

She shrugged, sadly. "I knew you probably wouldn't be able to make it, anyways, and then once we got that case, I knew for sure you wouldn't be there. Besides, it's just a checkup. I'm still cancer free."

"I wish I could have been there...for you...so you didn't have to go alone." He knew Mac had been incredibly lucky for someone who had cancer, but her annual cancer screens always made him nervous. He could only imagine how stressful it had to be for her to go alone. This was the first one he missed going to with her. He knew that the date overlapped with Mattie's vacation, so she didn't even have her to go with her.

"Chloe was in town. She came with me for moral support."

He sighed, relieved. "She's a good kid, Mac. She really is."

"It's hard to not see her as a little girl anymore…."

"I think a part of me will always picture her as the little girl who waltzed in JAG and told people you were her mother and hid in the elevator shaft." He chuckled at the memory.

"I know. I'm so proud of the woman she has become."

He sat down at the table across from her and took a sip of coffee before he spoke. "What are we doing here, Mac?" He wasn't angry or annoyed. He just seemed sad and confused.

She arched an eyebrow. "Cutting right to the chase I see, Captain."

"I am going to retire for real this time. I've been thinking about Hetty's job offer a lot."

"Harm…"

"You said it yourself that it would be good for me to plant some roots…"

"I did…"

"So, does that mean that you would be willing to plant some roots with me, or has the statute of limitations run out on an engagement?"

Her breath caught in her throat and she studied him intently. "Are you breaking up with me or are you proposing to me again?" She finally managed. Her comment about them being togethers as colleagues and not as husband and wife wasn't intended to be an ultimatum.

His eyes grew wide. "Mac," he reached for his hands. "This isn't an ultimatum or another coin toss. I love you more than anything in the entire world. Somehow, we are going to figure all of this out – for real this time."

She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried not to let her emotions take over. "I wasn't giving you an ultimatum in Saudi Arabia, either, Harm." She squeezed his hand and they both relaxed visibly. "This time when you were away, it just hit me harder for some reason, and I was still upset with how cold you seemed in the parking garage. I know it was what you had to do for the integrity of the investigation, but it still hurt. It may seem selfish, but I only get to spend a limited amount of time with you a year...I want every single second to count."

"I don't want to spend six months away from you anymore, Mac. I know that my flying gives you nightmares...it always has. It's not fair to you."

"It's who you are." It was what she reminded herself time and time again. Yes, it terrified her that he was flying like that again, but it was a part of his blood, and she loved him wholly and completely...everything that made him _him_ and flying was a part of that.

"I'm ready to let go of that, Mac."

"You said that before." She wanted them to figure this out, but for some reason she still felt the need to play devil's advocate.

"I mean it, Mac. How do you feel about me taking Hetty up on her offer?"

"Is it what you want? What you really want?"

"What I really want is to be with you."

"We had this conversation fourteen years ago, Harm, and look where we ended up...nothing actually changed."

"It can change this time. I want that piece of paper that says you and I are married. I want people to know for an eternity that you and I love each other."

_Eternity._

The memory of another conversation from a lifetime ago came flooding back to her. They missed so many opportunities throughout the course of their relationship. "I want that, too, Harm," she finally said. "But I don't want you to resent me..."

"I can't be in the navy forever, Mac. It's time."

"And I can't be in the marines forever, either." She paused, giving him a moment to process what she was saying.

"Mac..."

"I am serious about retiring. It can be the best thing for us. We're always going to partners, right? We're supposed to do things as a team...maybe if we would have done this the first time around, we'd be in a different position now. This isn't about fate anymore. Honestly, it probably never should have been, either. This is about you and me deciding what we want and what to do."

This was the moment where Mac realized the irony of her life. All those years ago, she constantly compared Mic to Harm. She was acutely away of the ways Mic would fall short and never be like Harm. However, Mic gave up his career for her and although he probably did it to exercise some level of power and control over her life, he did it on his own. He wasn't being "forced" into making that decision by circumstance or fate. This was when Mac realized that, on some level, she resented the fact that Harm needed the push in the first place...

But, the voice in her head reminded her, he gave up everything for her in Paraguay, and she didn't even thank him, could she really blame him for suggesting a coin toss after that?

It always came back to Paraguay.

And Sydney.

And flying.

And even the baby deal.

She stood up and closed the space between them so she could sit on his lap. "Would you be willing to go to therapy with me?" She asked, studying his expression carefully, her palms were placed flat against his chest. She took comfort in the strong steady beat she could feel beneath her hands.

He would be willing to do absolutely _anything_ for her, but he knew how she felt about therapy and he was surprised that that was her suggestion. "Therapy?" he parroted back, brows furrowed, wondering where it came from. "Of course." Honestly, it was probably long overdue, and had they gone years ago, maybe things would be different for them now.

"Chloe raves about how great therapy is for her," Mac began to explain. "I don't know if it's a generational thing or what, but she's so open about it."

"It's a different time, Mac. There's nothing wrong with therapy. Even some of the guys on the Allegiance are really open about how they go to marriage counseling to help with the deployments. The stigma around stuff like that in the military is still there, but it's not as bad as it was twenty some years ago."

She was visibly relieved by his response and relaxed against him. "Thank you," she whispered against his neck. "Thank you for being willing to do this. It really does mean a lot to me."

Harm pulled her close to him and rubbed his hand up and down her arm in a soothing manner. "Hell, I probably should have been going for years. Most of my life was spent searching for my father, and ultimately, when I did eventually find the answers I was looking for, I never grieved completely, you know? I went and had the surgery behind your back and went back to flying as a way to keep that connection with him. Things started to change for us after that...I mean, you risked everything to go to Russia with me so I could find the answers I was searching for nearly my entire life, and not long after that, I basically shut you out."

"Why do we shut each other out like that?" Mac wondered aloud. "Why are we so scared to give this a real shot? If I can't make a relationship work with _you_ I don't have a snowball's chance in hell at making any relationship work ever. Maybe my father was right... I really am damaged goods. I mean my own mother didn't even want a relationship with me."

"Mac..." He interrupted. "Don't say that about yourself." He cupped her face between his hands. "It's not true." She didn't look convinced, and he continued. "I know I don't always say the right things or show you in the best ways, but I love you more than you an even imagine. I know it sounds cliché, but it's true."

She sniffled and blinked back a few tears.

He looked into her eyes, and knew he had to voice something that has been playing in his mind for years – ever since he went back to the carrier. He tried to push the thoughts away, but no matter what, they were always there. "Do you think the Rabb family curse is real?" He questioned.

_Where did that come from?_ she wondered. "What?" At first, she thought he was joking, but one look into his eyes, and she could tell that he was as serious as a heart attack.

"My grandfather was shot down...my father was shot down...they both left behind widows. What if we did get married and something happened to me? What if...if I left you behind and you became a widow like my mom and Grams did? I couldn't imagine putting you through that..."

"You can't protect me by pushing me away."

"No, I can't, and you can't protect yourself from running away, either. Taking that job with State Department in the middle of my deployment hurt, Mac. I mean, you didn't even call...you just sent an email."

She nodded, sadly. She knew it was wrong, and yet she did it anyway. Was it because on some subconscious level she wanted him to hurt the way she did when he decided to go the Allegiance? She may have understood his need to get back into the fight, but it still hurt her nonetheless. "I do regret that. I am sorry." She uprooted their whole entire life on a whim and basically told him _after _the fact.

"I know," he said softly.

"It's coping mechanism for me...an unhealthy one that hurts the people I love, but still a coping mechanism."

"I do the same...I push you away because in some messed up way, I think it protects you, but at the same time, I do it to protect me. Everyone I have ever loved, I've lost." Diane was his first serious girlfriend, and he never completely grieved after her murder, either – his sole focus became hunting her killer.

"You'll never lose me," she said, softly, as she caressed his face, a repeat of another long-ago conversation.

"The world is cruel, Mac, I don't know if that's a promise we can make to each other." He didn't feel like the young hot-shot aviator and lawyer who felt he was invincible anymore. He was older now, and facing his own mortality was scary. "I don't want to waste any more time, Mac. We only spend half of the year together if that, and I don't want that. It's not fair to you or me. I want to build a life with you...the one we should have made fourteen years ago."

"Me, too, Harm. That's why I want to retire, too. We're going into this together, one hundred percent."

He smiled softly at her – the smile that was reserved solely for her. "And we are going to do it the right way...with therapy."

"With therapy," she nodded in agreement. "I'll make some phone calls this afternoon." Reluctantly, after a few long moments of embracing each other, she crawled off his lap and went to refill her coffee cup before starting breakfast.

"I'll cook, Mac." He said as she began to remove a cartoon of eggs and some vegetables from the refrigerator.

"No," she shook her head. "I want to do it. I've been working on perfecting my omelette making skills, you know. Maybe I'll impress you," she smiled.

"You always impress me, Marine."

She moved to retrieve a mixing bowl and a whisk. "Isn't there anything else you'd rather be doing on your first morning back?" She asked. "Enjoying another cup of coffee? Reading the paper? Just sitting down on the couch and relaxing?" she wondered.

"No," he shook his head. "A shower does sound nice," he admitted, "but I would much rather be in here with you and help with breakfast."

A mischievous look appeared on her face. "So, quid pro quo? You join me to make breakfast, and I join you in the shower?" She waggled her eyebrows.

"No objections from me there, Counselor." Harm grinned as he walked around the island and gave her a passionate kiss.

Her face was flushed when they parted, and she had a silly smile on her face. "I'm glad you're home, Sailor."

"I'm not leaving again, Mac. I mean it. I'll have my papers drawn up this week."

"Right back at ya, Captain."

There was a comfortable silence before Harm spoke again. "Uh, Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't answer my question about the statute of limitations on a proposal."

She looked up from the mixing bowl. "I'm not sure I understand."

"Fourteen years is a long time between a proposal and a wedding..." he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a small velvet box. "You already have an engagement ring, so what about an engagement necklace this time around?" he asked as he opened the box and held it out to her. "Sarah, will you marry me for real this time?"

"Oh, Harm," she gushed, "Yes! A million times, yes! It's beautiful." She admired the beauty of the unique necklace. It was a single rose embellished with many small diamonds. She didn't have to count them to know how many were there.

"The rose part is pretty self-explanatory, and there is a diamond for each year that we have known each other," he explained.

"Where did you find something like this? It's gorgeous."

"Mom is friends with a jeweler in La Jolla. We've been emailing designs back and forth for a while, and I had it delivered to Mattie's apartment when it was finished. I picked it up last night before I came home. The original plan was to give it to you for your birthday, but after our conversation, I didn't want to wait any longer."

"I love it. I love you. Thank you."

He removed the necklace from the box and she held her hair to the side so he could put it on her. "To another new beginning," he said as he placed his hand over the pendant.

"To another new beginning," she agreed as she placed her hand over his.

She knew they had a lot to work on still, but in this beautiful, simple moment, she no longer felt like they were broken.

* * *

And this is where I leave them...for now at least. I started this back in September after the premiere –as a coping mechanism – but I just couldn't end up finishing it. Catherine's Instagram post was the nudge I needed...I'm not naïve enough to think things actually worked out for Harm and Mac in the NCIS:LA world, but at least I can pretend they did here before CB's next episode probably breaks my heart all over again.


End file.
